I have this thing about people who kiss me with a sweaty upper lip. Summer is a particularly troubling time for me because people often have sweat accumulation upon their upper lip and insist on doing the lean in without any thought for me, their victim. I am screwing my face up just thinking about it. And so with that in mind, I have often thought of a scenario which would pretty much horrify me to the extreme because it takes my repulsion to a whole new level. Have you ever been in the vicinity of a man who is working out like a maniac, sweat dripping like buckets, face red as a beetroot, sweat stains in all the wrong places, panting like he is a heart attack waiting to happen?
I will give you a moment to picture it.
Based upon the picture in your head, have you ever considered that if that person keels over in front of you, that as a human it is your obligation to administer CPR? That if you’re closest to the drama you can’t just run off and pretend that you didn’t notice? Well, not if you have any ounce of decency about you anyway. Which unfortunately I do. I was born with a conscience and it weighs heavily on me at times. And trust me, every waking instinct in me would be saying run like the wind, but I would instead bend down and do my best to breathe some life back into you, though you have to know that I’d be thinking that I was resuscitating a clammy toad. And you can get as uppity as you like about my abhorrence for you in your semi-dead cockroach state, but I am generally pretty fussy who I get intimate with, and CPR is the utmost in intimacy, because there may be all sorts of human juices coming near my mouth. Ew.
So I want it to be known that I will save you if I can, but it will be under sufferance, and if your actions make you look like you are a candidate for CPR I will eye you warily as I walk past you and I will increase the pace of my stride to minimise my time in the danger zone. Of course, I hope to never meet you under these most dire of circumstances but at least you know where you stand with me ahead of time. Honesty is the best policy I believe where sweaty upper lips and bodily fluids are involved.